Renewed

   The humor of God is one to experience.  He is like a jack in the box and you never know what He's going to pop out at you! This is the  relationship I discovered because this week  I remember just finding myself like a shrunk down child just crying in tears. Of course she has been out for a couple of weeks. I found her especially this week sitting at the foot washing on her campus. This girl didn't feel worthy nor was she going to move. However because God is God! He walked her through preparation! He  was waiting for her to face the walls. In order that she would approach the battle as Esther did! He also brought in her other sister to show her this path! This sister I'm talking about is Magan and of course in my earlier blogs I've called her my Spiritual Mama! She is that too! Because Magan  could see the light I was able to be guided back into the light! That's just how Jesus is! He can see everything and so  He has hope to know will make it! I'm not saying Magan is God  but God knew just what I needed! Though she wasn't the one washing my feet this weekend! At one point she washed my hands and latter on I met another sister who washed my feet! This is the true gospel! I realize there's no full details in this but this weekend I experienced  prepartion as if I was Esther and my heart was renewed in the Gospel!  With this I am renewed & hopeful!

Battle Cry For Womenhood

This is a call to all you ladies who are crying out! This is not a feminist attack to carry a message of " I am women hear me roar." It is simply the message restoration! I know that I am not the only women out there who is struggling with this. I know that this is a daily attack of our enemy which is why I am taking the stand! As precious jewels, we can't let the crud of the earth swallow us whole! It is why I'm writing because I know if my hearts bleeding someone esles is! However, some how we convince our selves that those " Little Ms. Sunshine's" have it together. In fact were our greatest convincers! All Satan has to do is feed us a lie and watch it thread through our lives!  Beth Moore even stated it this way, " If you're thinking really attractive women don't have this issue, you are out of your darling little mind. If you happen to be thinking that average looks are a problem, they are not. An injured soul is the problem"
 This one really swung home with me! I'm telling you it has been daily climb to remind myself that I am God's living child! I do not wake up every morning telling myself ,"I love you and you look so beautiful." Half of the time I'm looking thinking, " God are you sure you used the right clay and I'm not her any more." I'm talking about my past because no matter how much I try to reflect I still see that nagging image of a girl  proclaiming , " Don't leave, don't leave." Do you know which one I'm talking about ? I mean can you put that image of  her in your mind! In fact it maybe when you think of her you think of the image of when you were a  little girl and someone had to leave but you clung to life! Have you met her? I sure have! I meet her physically and mentally in my mind!
I'm telling you  it is like someone playing pin ball inside my head with everything shifting around!  I don't know your story at all girl but I do know that it just takes one to speak up!
I don't know that it gets any simpler but as I write this today I was just want to encourage us both that were His child! Were His child even when we don't claim it because God still loves us and calls us beautiful! Psalm 45:10-11 says it all and I do hope this will find us with encouragement that were not done! It's just part of the battle!

BitterSweetness

 There have been many changes in my life this semester. In some ways some of my stronger moments of joy but also some bittersweet moments. I have found  myself learning that no matter how much our hearts desire that our plans are not always what one expects. They can turn around in one moment. It is an odd place in my life because many of my friends are going in different directions, my grandmother died this year and my sister is getting married! This is not what I expected at age 23! I still feel as if I'm in the same shoes I was my freshmen year of college wondering why am I here and  why is it when I think I understand and then I get placed back to where I don't!At the same time I have never felt such awareness as I do know in loving yourself!
This seems like an easy message but it is one that tends to sneak up when I least expect it. I  can't tell you how many times I have been on my knees saying, " Again, Lord we were just here yesterday." However,  this wall has choose rear it's ugly head at me, yet in a stronger form. I've come to realize that I need to let others love me as well but because this one has reared it's head at me I have let me myself sit down in worthless puddle." I guess you could say it's been the theme in my blog but I have to realize that  it's better to be authentic then wear a crown of  I  am Miss. Independent! I still have to fight her!  Yet, at the same time I know I have to accept  each victory when they come, instead of looking what I missed up! I don't tend for any one to understand. I just want to learn to be me and being able to write frees me to do so!  I know some may call me weak.  It's something I have to  learn though because truth is  I have never been strong. I just know it's in my weakness I must remember that's when God allows me to feel strong! I am still learning but I know I'm not the only one! So, may God  take my weakness and use it for His glory!

Do You know Your Alive?

" Do you know your alive?"~ I know this sounds weird but think about it!  I mean think about it because right now your able to sit, breath, see and hear! Perhaps maybe not all of these things but I'm sure you can connect to one of them! This was one I was so reminded of yesterday on my birthday! I don't know about you but I tend to forget these things when I go into futuristic mode because so often my brains rattling about the next day. However, the Lord reminded me yesterday to focus on the moments that I'm given during this day! Also, the fact alone I was birthed should be a blessing! I mean I wasn't aborted or did I die because of some illness! I came out healthy and I 've grew up pretty healthy!
I know  these are common things but common things are often where were reminded of where our deepest joy comes from!
 I mean there has to be some purpose because why else would we be alive! You just don't create something unless you think they  have purpose! This is what I'm learning in my relationship with God! I'm learning what it means to be renewed in gospel! I know it may seem for those of us who have heard it our whole lives that we understand God died but sometimes there are wave lenghts where we need to be refreshed that Jesus died for us! And not just our neighbor down the road! Sure we can tell every person down the road along with letting those sweet words roll off our lips but they mean nothing unless were living it!  This is  still mind boggling for me but as I think about this I believe we all go through butterfly stages. Sometimes were the catipillar crawling along  and munching on all those leaves because were trying to sort out what beauty is or life in that matter. Then there are those still moments were in the cacoon just standing because it is the only place we know. However, it never fails  on God's perfect timing that you & I become new!
 And in honesty I'm still chewing all this in! However, I'm learning the more I allow my maker to come in then I'm able fly with the wings He so desires for me to bold in!  May you find this truth as well!

 And perhaps as I leave with this image , may you be reminded of His blood! I know it looks weird but  this is what I saw today a butterfly as a bride covered by His blood! Still soaking it up! However, thankful for God's constant work!

Age Before Beauty ( Myth)

 " Age before beauty", sound familiar? I'm sure we have all interpreted that one in many ways but  in one aspect of a literal term, age shouldn't matter. Beauty isn't just in the young but the old as well!  Today, was a fresh reminder of that as I sat with some  precious friends listening to the Nursing home residents sing. It was beautiful and a reminder how joy is so important in life! Some times its easy to fail to accept the joy because  our minds are dwell in the circumstances that seem unjust. However,  wouldn't one think it's unjust for someone to have to sit  in  a Nursing home perhaps dealing with :
* Being disabled
*  No, family members visiting
I'm not saying that's always the case but think about it, for those of  us who have our family and are able to move around. Sometimes our minds forget how blessed we are even just for the little things. I know my heart was caught with that today ; especially when one lady said, "God will warm your heart up", it was something like that but she had such a clear true point!
Sometimes life is difficult; however it's the outlook that changes everything ! Very blessed today and also just  glad I got spend time with my blessed sisters!

This is My Family

 One thing I am learning is really how beautiful the body of Christ is! In the past couple of weeks I've been learning that sometimes you will feel like your standing in a plastic world. And then there are those moments that you can simply just be where you are! I have definitely been reminded this week what it's like in some aspect to stand on the outside of the Cross. It's easy to catch ourselves into the mindset that the Cross couldn't have been for me and who would want me? However, day by day my Father keeps saying" I love you and are you listening?" I can very much relate to that, especially in the passage of John 14 where  Jesus was talking to Philip.
Jesus spoke these words, " Don't you know me Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, Show us the Father?" For some reason  it's hard to imagine that someone would actually give something up for us when we don't return any thing; even a praise!  I can't tell you how many times I have choose to sit there. I have many times felt like the child sitting in the background asking , " Do you see me?  or Do I even matter?". It's still a constant battle but  even last night walking away  from the service, I could hear my Father saying , " Yes, maybe some relationships are not perfect or they don't make sense but look among yourself" I very much needed those words and this is why I have chosen to show you my family!

I know this photos odd because I choose not to smile but however, sometimes this is reality that were not always one the ones smiling but our families will still stand there even when we rather run away telling ourselves that we're alone! So, say hello to  my family @ Cumberland's:

Stamped With Mercy & Grace

 My life has never been certain or understandable for that matter other then that there must be a lot of grace & mercy!  However, I think most of us would agree that's life! These past two days off from the College world has been so impactful from the emotions of I don't know rather to rejoice or cry! I can on the other hand  know that My Father is there! It's not that He has ever went away but He's been waiting for me to see that I don't need to have a million retreats, books or people to tell me about Him! He's been speaking about Himself from the beginning! He even wrote about Himself in His Word!
And yet, the funny part is it's easy to go around asking others about Jesus but He's telling us straight forward in the very source the Bible! I'm not saying it's bad to ask but  it's easy to forget that  there is no other way to understand Jesus then the one who understands Himself!
The same way with people. You and I could go around asking questions about people but the only way to really know someone is to spend time with them! That's what God's been teaching me lately! I'm beginning to learn that my desires are not by accident. They are not meant to shame us! The desires were created within us!  However, I want to state I'm not talking about the sinful nature! I'm talking about the wholesome good ones that were planted!
Yes, we were born into sin but our Father wants to give us  life! This is the truth I needed so desperately spoken into my life!  For a while and even today as mentioned in my blogs I've been letting negativity in my life. And this is very  hypocritical of me because if I'm saying My God is good; I must believe He  made and is making good things in me!
It's true I'm not good on my own but the matter is you don't die for something unless you think there is worth! And you don't spend time with them either if you don't think something is worth it! That's something My Father has been showing me through  Spiritual Mama Magan! I think it's easy sometimes to look ourselves hating  to even spend time with ourselves. Therefore we come to the conclusion that no one wants to spend time with us but that's a lie from Hell! I'm not saying I've mastered all this but I'm becoming aware  that life really does matter! It's not just a saying but it's truth!  And it's the truth many of us need! I don't know where you  are in life but this is my life story and if God can use it! Then I'm willing because I don't own any thing! Thank You for coming along with me! Fly with Christ!

Come Into The Light

In this season I find it to be a place with challenge but also to really learn what it means to be in my Father's hands!  I have found in my journey that sometimes we cover up our emotions because we think were not adequate! I have to apologize also because I have been one of the individuals who has given the picture of one having to have it all together. I have walked in a fear that if people really knew how I looked at myself ; they would turn away but I'm finding it is healthier to bring the shame into the light! The truth is I don't think I'm beautiful and I'm my worlds worst critique! I know very well how to put on the act of love for others but not myself.
The reality is I find myself envying  others thinking how wonderful so and so's life is. I easily get embarrassed when it comes to my family.  I spend a lot of time wishing for better communication then accepting the good things as well. This has been the pattern I've picked up. I think when I've messed up that I'm not good enough. And yet, it puts me in the place of my faith asking , " If your not good enough ( worth) , then why would Jesus die?"
 This one has been hard to confess because I mean I grew up knowing about Jesus. I even accepted in my heart at a young age. However, I taught myself well how to not show it because after all those who know Christ should find worth right? That's what He taught! He taught us to love Him with all our heart , soul and mind. He even said love your neighbor as yourself!
That one really stings because if I loved my neighbor as myself. It wouldn't be pretty. There might even be a few battle scars. I didn't want to admit this because after all our world tells us  to be the strong one! It's not looked upon with honor if you show yourself as weak. And truth is  I am weak. I 'm no where strong on my own!
I know this one is more intense but  today once again my Father or even that night with my precious friend Kathleen that I shared with you with you about; He was there to tell me how much He loved me! And I need to enjoy the life He's given me because what good is freedom, if were still in bondage? To be honest; it's not !  I don't find it easy to talk about but I'm learning what it means to live a vulnerable life! It's not so much we share everything but we share everything  that the Lord would show us to do! We share it because we know that darkness only stops us from pushing forward!
That is why I thank my Father  for today & last night because the more I ready Romans 8 which was encouraged by my beautiful Spiritual mother Magan, I realize that if I'm going to share the light , that I have to be in the light! So, maybe life is not perfect but it's the one God's given me and I need to press on! This is my awareness of whats going on  but what I really hope to inspire in someones life, that maybe your like me and you need to bring things to the light! I don't know but this is my story and what a journey!

To Know The Great Teacher Is To Be Willing To Be Open

 This season has been one of my most heaviest! I've had to open myself up for some healing that's been desperately needed! And one thing the Father's been teaching me especially this week; that the hunger of the heart is not ignored but what good is it if we depend on the world to teach us. I'm not saying God can't teach us through His creation but it's easy to forget who is the Greatest Teacher of them all! These past few weeks have been wonderful along with hard  in many ways but it took God to send my beautiful sister Kathleen to remind me that I don't need a retreat or a certain group to experience God!
I need His word! So, it's caused me to make some hard choices but it's the healthiest ones I know to make! All, I know is my God must really love me because He keeps reaching His hand out rather it's His word or an encouragement! It's been hard to receive it though but I've needed to picked back up. I've let my emotions rob me for so long! I even hid them because I felt shame. However, I'm learning piece by piece to walk again! 
 So, maybe my stories not the way I would write it. On the  other, hand I'm learning and   so maybe a lot of pain will come with this one but I praise my God because I don't want to be robbed any more!  So, if you have hugged me, said I love you or  just listened. It's meant the world to me! Even , if I've not been as receptive! My heart can't forget and won't! Love you my sweet friends!

Wet Feet & Grace of A Stranger

  If you were to have an over view of my life. I would tell you God must have stamped " Grace & Mercy on my forehead. I really don't know why after how many times I've questioned but He keeps loving me! He loves me even when I choose the hard way! Don't ask me why because I have yet to figure this one out but I coming to realize in my life I can be that rebel bride! However, today as I just kept walking this week God kept putting His hand out there. From the moment of my 1:00 P.M class on Monday till today!  I'm finding the more I ask the more I'm able to see God must really love me; especially today!
It was pouring rain and I was soaked. I had chosen to take the stubborn way instead of waiting for the rain to stop but the Lord put a lady in my path. She gave me a ride to my dorm. I'm not about riding with strangers ( hear me out) but  I believe the Lord sent her! I could have been stuck in a worst situation but God's grace kept protecting me!
This is just one section of His grace that I've seen but this one really stands out to me because even in a Spiritual sense, there are times we think were bold enough to handle are mess but  really we need  God to stick His  hand out in the storm!  Therefore, I've come to note again I really must be special to Him because He keeps chasing me! It's  hard one to believe but some how it all works that out! This is the heart of grace, things we dont' deserve!

My Story : Image Format

Follow Up LTC ( Beauty, Grace , Warts & All)

 Sometimes the Father will let us cry our anger till our frustration tires us out. Sometimes it means being a child where you hide in the corner because your too ashamed or your pride has muted you from speaking. Sometimes the Father will mute us so that we may see His beauty! He will send a friend to tell you are beautiful, a hug, a gift or maybe just a smile!
And even if His child thinks they have to fight it on their own. He'll still stand there with His grace! This is the grace of God I experienced this weekend at my  Leadership conference! And this is the grace I hope to experience along with to give even more this summer as I serve on the 1:8 team!  I'm not particularly sure what all this will mean  or that I even know my role on the team but  the Father knows!  He knows it so much because He kept showing me if He was looking for perfect people to show His grace, then there would be no purpose to   what Grace really means! We wouldn't even need grace! However, that's the beauty of the cross warts & all!  He will not fail to chase ever you ! And He will not stop smiling at you because He knows out of all the mess inside the heart there is more! He showed me that today with my friend Jill which is what I think I'll close with because I think it really does paint the picture of how our frustration will eventually take us down but when we wake up out of it, He's there! That's what I saw when I was sleeping in the car because I knew there was no way for me to express but some how when I saw Jill after the long ride back from campus! I knew that's how Jesus is! He understands the heaviness and will wait till we  see that He's there in full grace! Be blessed my sisters & brothers =)