You Will only Blume More

 These past  couple of weeks especially I have felt like Satan was using my mind as a yo-yo.  It was particularly challenging because I became homesick missing the community on my campus. The time I had at home seem strange to not feel like there was someone down the hall or someone at your door. For those of us who have lived the college life. You know what I mean. I have to admit the changes in my world has been definitely more of the unexpectation. I could definitely relate to Job. I may have never taken the degree He has but I have felt like things we're stripped.
My grandmother had passed away  in December, my sister had decided she's getting married soon and my closest friends have moved to various parts. I have to say this season took me by surprise. However, the Father kept pressing in with me! He used some of my precious friends to remind me of Romans 8, text and even a phone call.
I know He didn't have to but  I know He saw me with my head down. However, He kept talking to me! Especially today He took me to  Isaiah 41:8-10. He told me how He never rejected me! He also  told me that nothing was too big to clear up. I think often how I've pictured my life  in this season was Jesus was climbing up the thorns of a flower with me. He was there at the other end pressing in so that I may blume more!  I know this won't be the last but I know as a wise friend me reminded me, " Hope produces character."

The Restless Orphan

 I found myself to be so restless these past few days. I have found myself forgetting what love actually means. I think sometimes we think we know what love is but we know so little. For some of us the image of love is a hug, kiss, family, marriage or perhaps a gift. However, it is deeper than that. Love is unconditional and a gift  also. Sometimes it's tangible and sometimes it's more of just keeping your eye's wide open. This is the love I have experienced in just a day or so. It's came in:

•  A text " I'll see you soon"
•   A prayer in that you'll experience love
• Mercy of knowing you can mess things up but it doesn't mean God won't work it out
•  Transportation for  my 1:8 Trip
•  A check to use for the summer.
•  A kiss on the cheek

If it is one thing I've grasped. I would say that  I am not God again! That sounds like it would be easy to understand. However,  I tell you I live in a complicated mindset and the only thing that untangles me is God. I am no more wise then the next person. I just keep asking questions.  I also must confess as humans we're scary people. In fact I have heard Beth Moore once say, " God knows it's scary to be us." I believe she has hit the dot on the nose. I have found that to be true with myself. I would look over myself thinking once or twice, " What is becoming of me?" I know the truth!
It has definitely been the shoes where what Paul's has said once, "  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do but what I do I hate what I do  Romans 7:15." How, true that is is! So many times we want to over come our flesh and yet we try it on our own before coming to God.
 I have to say it's a wake up call for me because  I know that I naturally need to desire Him more than I do! That's where I want to be this summer!  So, I write one because I know  perhaps we don't have the same temptation but we all have the battle of the flesh!

A Reality Check In

 This morning I woke up realizing  I could concentrate on the things I am unable to control. This doesn't seem to be an unfamiliar lesson for me. However, as  I think about my past blogs. I realize one of my biggest fears is that if I am me that I will feel rejection. However, it would be like blowing out a candle or trying to find the 50 ways to hide. Being who you are is really a gift! I find this one my biggest battles because I often walk in fear more then I do the light. Now, that doesn't seem to add up because if we are in the light, then we should walk bold! However, I like many of you tend to forget the one who Created me gave me my gifts, features, and desires for a reason.!
At the same time one  must live it out with wisdom! That is what dawned on me this morning because one of my biggest  joys in life is being the encourager. At the same time here is where the wisdom draws in! If I long to encourage others, I must live encouraged! Ouch! I had never thought about it  this way till this morning! Perhaps you can relate because the truth is we can't be anything for anyone else if we're not being that for ourselves. In fact because of our false selves we're the ones often helping cast out our own light.
You see the same control that you and I have to flip a light switch on is the same control we have in life. We can go to the light or we can sit in the dark! However, somehow we find it easy to just sit. Though, this is what I am learning this morning! If you love to write, sing, dance , garden or play a sport, be you!  They can only be negative things when you or I let them control us but God gave us personalities!
If He didn't want us to have personality then you and I would be alike but we're not! In fact it was these scriptures that encouraged me this morning:

Isaiah 43: 11-12
 I , I am Yahweh and there is no other Savior but Me
 I alone declared, saved and proclaimed and not some foreign god among you. So you are my witnesses.  This is the Lord's declaration (AND) I am God

Isaiah 45:4
 I call you by name Jacob My Servant and Israel My chosen one. I give a name to you though you do not know Me.

 These are such profound truths:
He is God
He called us by Name

I  needed to hear this morning because there was no reason to sit in tears this morning because if I believe He is God and God is Creator then I must believe it along with living it out loud! We are only on this earth for such a short time. So, we must learn  to be alive in  Him because it is the only way your hearts can be open to truth!

The Paper Doll Mentality

 I don't think I could have titled this blog any better because for those of you who have ever held a paper doll in your hand you can relate or for you boys perhaps it was those transformers along with Lego's. You had the power to change any thing you wanted it to be! That's a powerful thought! This thought really dawned on me today because at age 23 I have come to discover myself in a new light.  I have never felt more transformed then I do  now. In fact I can relate to the paper doll because  with a paper doll you can change her hair, clothes and well give her own personality. You we're the creator!  This by no means entitles us that we're God but everyday you & I make the choice of how one will clothe themselves.  I believe there are two profound choices: lies or truths!
 I  have definitely and do have my share of both worlds. From the time I have hit middle school I have tested the waters of  trying to figure out who I was from the blond high lights to how many layers of foundation does it take to cover up that zit.  I have also  been the girl who tried the liquid eyeliner, signed herself up for the Republican Club and  the girl who never spoke up  because she didn't think her voice matter. The automatic truth was I was hiding who I was really inside. I never cared for politics  or for  eye liner. I just wanted to be accepted knowing I was beautiful. I desired out of all this to simply be heard. I wanted a voice!
 I was buried under 4 years of lies and it has taken 4 years for me to discover what it means to stand tall! This is where I am currently. I am beginning to see the things I enjoy and realizing I don't have to be a paper doll or a wall flower. This girl who stand before loves the simple things such as meeting people where they are. She has also discovered she is a : Facilitator, Disciples, Truth Speaker, Teacher  along with one who doesn't have to cut up her heart surrendering to one thing.
I have come to acknowledge every part of my heart is important! This is a breath of fresh air!In fact this is often what my beloved BCM minister Dean Whitaker would tell me along with  my mentor Magan! The one truth that I fought for so long was wrapped in all that I have written here. Here it is, "  All I want is you." That's hard to accept because it's so easy for us to think there is more but  when we  look at those who came before us  such as Ruth, Esther, David  Paul and etc; God shows us that it was never about ability! It was about availability! I am still letting this sink in! However, this is such a leap from where I was!  So, I  put this question before us, " What will it take for you to step out of the paper doll Mentality or  Creator mentality? Will we let God be our Creator?

All I Want Is You

 Cold feet hit the soft lush grass
Heart breaths in the  as the breeze kisses the face
Suddenly a trickle or two comes
My heart sinks for something has touched me

My eyes began to circle where is this from but suddenly I am touched by a  man.
He says to me you are beautiful
He says to me  what are you doing?

I respond standing tripping up over desires of which ones to cut out
He says let me see them
I respond ok
He looks at them with soft eyes
 Then responds what were you going to do with them?
I respond I don't know. I don't know where my heart is.
He responds it's simple
I gave you these desires

You are not bound to one or the other
 Think of your life as a canvas full of color
Explore them as you wish
These are gifts
Don't throw them away

I respond  with silence
He responds with  all I want is You.
I say this sounds too simple
It is
Accept it.

The Unusual Score Keeper

 Humans can be one of the most disgusting creatures.  In fact were good when it comes to slinging mud at others or on ourselves. You would think that stage left us as a child but were still the child that goes around putting their finger prints on the walls no matter what our parents may have told us. In fact as a little girl I can remember coloring on my bed room walls. This didn't go over well by the way. I can't remember exactly what happend but I remember the disapproval. No, child likes to feel the look of disappointment. In fact this one still doesn't go away. I was reminded of it this morning as I realized I had dye on the bathroom door. I didn't have to second guess what would come after it. However, the second guess can stop us from seeing the hope.
It's so easy in our everyday life to focus on the guilt, defeat or what seems out of reach. I draw to this one often especially becaus some how in my finate mind I forget it's God who can do any thing He wants. I'm not in control. I don't get to be the score keeper saying, "3 Strikes your out". No, God is an unusual Score keeper. He doesn't keep a tally mark thinking well lets see what this child did today. He some how choose to pick us up and clean us saying get back into the game! I have yet to figure that one out but some how as I was putting this paste over the door I realized this is how God is! He smooths us out!
It may not look smooth to us but He works it out somehow to us it for His glory!

My Life Is Like A Pop Up Book

 My life is like a pop up book. You never know what characters will come along. Though I have learned to appreciate each one of them. Along with life is not a fairytale. I'm sure many of us can think of things we wish could change in our families, friends or perhaps are everyday acquaintances. However, just like the antagonist the protagonist must be appreciated too. I know it sounds weird to appreciate the things may bring harm to us but sometimes the things that inflict us make us stronger. If I never had my broken heart before college I may have never seen the woman I could become. I would have never seen the other people that God wanted to bring along to my life! This also includes the climax's of my life! If I could see behind them I would have never seen the love behind Cumberland's!
Things have not always went my way but they have taught me something! I don't think at age 5 this is what I wished for  in my life but it's the ride that's made me realize I am tall, an adventurer , and independent! And there may be days I struggle to see this but those are the days I will take my most pride in because it's taught me persevarance! At the same time one can't forget the readers! I think of the readers being outside watching the story come alive! Those people would represent the ones who can see the logical! They are the cheerleaders because every reader wants to turn the page because they know there is more! There are numerous people in my life I could name but  I think what I'll hold more is the times we have spent together! I have learned in my 4 years of UC that one must be a sponge because there  are always new things to learn! Of course I still have internship to go! I am not sure where it will lead but that's what makes a story great because the mystery keeps the traveler and the readers in suspense! It also reminds the traveler because they don't know that they are in the best hands which is the Fathers! I am 23 now and I'm excited to see whats ahead! Oh the journey!

Dumpster Diving

  " Dumpster diving, now that's a  new sport?" I have never in my life ever pictured myself going dumpster diving. This was a new adventure for me! I had just been sitting in my room on the phone with my friend Sarah as she was telling me that they were in the back of Archer parking lot dumpster diving. So, you can bet in the back of my mind I  was telling myself I have to see this! I didn't get in all the way with the girls but when I walked back there I was amazed at the human waste!  Although I didn't climb in I ended up with  3-4 new shirts that just needed washed along with a shower carrier! These items were just on the top of all the  mounds of trash that were before my eyes. I wish I had pictures of it  but the images will be left in my head. This actually seems odd to me that someone would  toss useable things away but at the same time it's a reminder that all of this stuff in the world is temporary!
 At the same time I also saw how God could make things new again because all the shirts needed was a wash. The same way with human life because maybe we think were messed up but really we just need the touch of the Lord! There are so many lessons to this but the one thing I have walked away with is always look around you because there are great adventures & lessons! So, today  I stand excited with I'm sure many emotions but also a joy to see what God will do!

Packing & Unpacking for the Greater Journey

 It's hard to register all the changes that have came this semester!  It has been a season of pain but also beauty! I have learned more then ever that I am not God and I'm out of control! This one seems so simple but sometimes we put on our God shoes without even realizing it. Our human hearts fail to register this at times. At the same time in this season  it feels like it's actually the first time I can call myself a  "Woman". I know in our culture they say at age 18 your an adult  but for me it still felt like the awkward stage of  being a little girl to reality of it's a new discovery in where I am really studying who I am.
 This has also just been a refreshing moment of realizing the gospel is for me! I know we say it alot but it's so easy to let our walls tell us that were not worthy. I would have to say that it wasn't till this semester particular that I really started taking it to heart that I am loved especially with  some of precious friends who know who they are! The moments that have hit me the most has been:
quality time, prayers, being called a lady and having a dear friend of mine write a list of truths that she journeyed over with me this year!
I would say out of those two moments being called a lady along with list of truths that a friend was willing to journey with me has meant the most!  I feel so blessed as if I have stood taller then ever before but of course this is just the beginning. I don't know that I could cover all my emotions right now but  I feel like the idea that I can  claim the title " Woman" is a  start!