The Gardener

 As I was looking over some of my life this morning the Father  had me look at a dogwood tree this morning. I never really thought about my life in this simple perspective before but this is what was gather on my heart. I heard my Father say to me, " You see this tree, no tree grows in one day. It takes time and it takes the love of the Gardner. I am the (THE) Gardner but I send  out my tools to help you grow. Your mother and Sunday school teachers were the seed planters. They were there to make sure you knew about me. And then of course every flower needs some sun along with water. This is my nourishment for you. I  have many ways coming about that; however my main resources are my word & your time in conversation with Me. Then of course to keep you alive I sent our my Pruners. These are the testimonies from your brothers & sisters such as  Callahans, Magan, Ciannah, Kathleen , Mirissa, Ashley , Peggy and  Dean. I've sent them to tell their stories to remind you  I can take any  pile of dust and make it beautiful"
   This was eye opening for me because  as mentioned in some of my blog yesterday I tend to lock down in my emotions but today was a very peaceful reminder of just how much the Father works on me. I  think this has to be one of my favorite seasons even though there have been times of Frustration! I think I can say that  for today  I will keep walking! May you be present also as He speaks to you!

Sponge Soakers Part 2

 Today as mentioned earlier has seem to be quiet the journey! However, the Lord continues to press in or so I'm learning! I am pretty sure if you looked at my life right now that it's like tug-o-war!  I tend to forget whose I am but the Father doesn't! I have to  tell you this semester has been a ride for me! At the same time its been such an awareness for me! Especially tonight as I was just briefly thinking about my response today along with the many things I've been trying to sort out. I never thought about this one but today I noticed how my emotions lock me down!
I don't know about you but sometimes if it doesn't make sense I tend to play detective thinking , " Ok, God if this doesn't work out ; whats your next plan?" That's a hard thing to admit because as  much as you or I try to live out the light our flesh tends to crawl in. It's really a different season but it's one I'm thankful for because  even when I look back into my Freshmen year of college. I can see where I didn't know myself but even now I'm becoming aware of patterns I've taken up. I  never took time to just realize how much my Father loves me! And I have to ask those around me to forgive me because as much as I believe the Father thinks I'm beautiful! My flesh crawls in!
I mean I guess you could say some what I've let myself think if I make certain decisions in my outward appearance I'll be judged.  I'm talking about pity stuff do you know what I mean sisters? I don't know about you but I find it easy to use a wall because I fear rejection!
 Even though, I know I'm a lot more bolder then I would admit but like many of you I'm good at hiding my little light! However, among all this  the Father has still kept chasing me! Especially tonight as I was reading Jeremiah 1! I mean the Lord told Jeremiah I am the one who puts words in your mouth!
Ouch! or I know for me because  I know in reality I have made my choices but I'm also learning each day is a new day! The Father actually loves " Sponge Soakers", only He wants us to soak Him up more then they lies He fought for! I don't have this one down pat but I'm becoming aware! Thank God! He still chases us!

Sponge Soaker

 This has been one of those weeks that I have felt like the sponge soaker. I caught myself in the shoes of some of my campers that I had a while back at Laurel Lake Baptist Camp. However, before I go on let me tell you my definition of a , " Sponge Soaker", all they want to do is absorb from every area but they forget from the One they should be absorbing from. I tend to get myself there  a lot. And I'm pretty sure I've asked every question under the sun. At least this the emotions I've carried as I went from friend to friend to moments of just wrestling with God!
Especially last night! I was so tired and really just frustrated in my attitude because I knew it wasn't of Christ but also being upset just because something wasn't going my way or seem to go my way. I have recently found it most challenging to be just really be still when it comes down to it. Sometimes I think if people knew what was screaming on the inside they would step away. I promise you I am most human as possible! It always puts me in aww... God would give me soo much grace! And even though I know it's there I tend to put myself in a pile thinking I must earn something.
However, God  has paid it. I mean what could I earn? I really don't think I could because I promise you I'm a messy girl! I tend to hold onto things that people have no clue about. I even get angry on the inside.  I know to some they may think its a shock or they may they it's naturally human but  whatever the idea is that's where I have found myself this week because I decided I could do things on my own!
Such stubbornness!  However, I know the truth and some how I loop myself in lies. I think the hardest part of my week has just been feeling tired and wondering if any one saw me.  I really don't fully understand this one myself because honestly I have asked several times this week; how long will it take for me to stop believing these lies!  The truth is I'm free but  keep dipping my hands in my own mess! I don't know if you have been there but this has been one those weeks where I have wanted to sling off the muck that has gathered around me! I guess you could say this is where my impatience has came in!  However, for some reason the Lord hasn't given up on me! I don't know why because if it was me I  would but  I know I'm slowly learn that  He's not going any where; even if it's a another cycle to walk through! I think He's shown me that one alot also with my beautiful spiritual mother Magan this week!
I keep thinking how tired she must be but it must be God who keeps calling her to do that! And come to think of it maybe that's how it is with me on some of my relationships on campus where the role is reversed!  Well... whatever the lesson is now I'm learning I'm not my own! Along them that it's often His spirit were seeing when God send people are way because He never leaves! ( I think that's a note I must jot down =) )
And whatever, this means I know that  God is working on my story to just teach me but also maybe encourage those who are like me ! May God bless you and thank you for allowing me to just be real!

The Image of A Father's Love

 Tonight I was able to celebrate a life of someone who is so dear to me! I call Him Papa Dean! I don't think I've ever told him in person but  to me that's who he is! And as I was sitting there with many emotions I was able to recall the many times Dean has said to me just who and where you are! That's really how my Heavenly Father is! He welcomes us!
Dean has and is definitely one of those loving spirit in my life! From the time I was a Freshmen, He would encourage me ! I mean even before I entered campus I sensed a welcoming spirit because I remember meeting him at my home church. I can't remember all details but I remember shaking hands!I can't thank God more or less for placing Papa Dean in my life! He has been the image of a father I wish I had growing up. I especially remember it because I could know and do know rather my day is good or bad I am welcomed!
I don't know  how else to say it other then the Father will put people in your life to walk beside you in healing! So ,  I look and say thank you Abba for sending Dean my way and not letting me leave UC!
Thanks Papa Dean!

Abba's Little Girl

 " Do you love me?", How many times have you or I asked ourselves that question. Or maybe you have heard yourself say , " ___________ ( Name) is not worth it. You can fill in the blank however you wish but we have all asked that or we have heard voices that have played over & over. Just a few days ago I met some precious people but one individual stood out to me. I can't give a name due to privacy. However, this individual was handi-caped. I was able to relate to her. She was an image of a person I know very well. This person I'm talking about is me. She was the display of a little girls mind  and that is often where I do find myself.



 And the more I listen to her I realize I do that constantly with God. God will show me His love but I'll ask again. However, during my trip I realized for the first time that  I need to really know this because when we experience this one then were able to walk free!
This is one I'm in constant need of because  no matter how confident I strive to be; my little girl wall does crawl up. I end up going into child mode thinking these things as mentioned " Do you love me?' and "April's not worth it."  However, that's not the person I was meant to be and the Lord once again reminded me of that through my beautiful sister Jill and  brother  Michael. They would say small things like " I'm glad your you " and " I love your laugh". Those two things meant so much to me but the one thing that really touched me was my kiss on the cheek from my Spiritual Mama! Her name is Magan! She's taken me under her wing since my Freshmen year of college and  the beautiful part of this Kiss is it's become symbolic to me because it reminds me of my grandmother!  And to know that my Father has many ways like a Kiss to send His love is priceless! It's also taught me value you because Kisses are something that should be given with meaning and not just away. Therefore, it encourages me also in another aspect that saving my kiss for my future husband is  worth it and not only that but there's value to who I am! That's what kisses mean to me! I know this was a little bit of everything! However, my heart rejoices because I know this is my Abba's love!

It's On!

 Woke up put this morning

Let my feet hit the ground

A little warm today isn't it child of God?~ Satan

I said bring it!

You sure you know what your asking, Didn't

you read about your boy Job~ Satan

I said bring it!

Hahah ok  okk... this is how you roll ay... ~ Satan

Yes, I roll with the King

I said bring it!

 You know you'll just repeat what you did last time~ Satan

I said bring it!

Ha... this will be easy ~ Satan

 I say ,no you didn't  let me introduce you my man

JC. He's been defeating you since the Cross.

I said bring it!

Oh so, you need a man to fight for you~ Satan

He's not just a man. He equips me.

Oh yeah ~ Satan

I said bring it!

What about all those people you don't like? ~ Satan

Don't you know the Man who changes hearts

I said bring it.

You got me this time but it won't be the last~ Satan

Ok ok... I be waiting with my right and my left glove.

Meet JC



Awaken My Heart

 For the past few days I've been at my Fathers feet asking what do you see when you look at me because when I look at me this is what I see:

 I told Him how broken I felt. And while it was hurtful I had to be honest I had been denying my Father's love. I became deaf.  I couldn't even accept the times when He did tell me how much He loved me ; especially this week. I was blind but when I set down last night I started seeing all my walls that I let built up. I had let the little girl wall take her place without letting reality be set in. However, being able to take this step really only just brought a step of freedom. I know some days I will experience anger , happiness and sadness but the question is how present will I allow myself to be.
 At the same time this has been an awaking to whats been held me back for a while. I held my emotions so long that this is what I became. I became a girl with smugged marks across my face. I let my heart clutter up so much that the beauty that God wanted to show me became swallowed up. This is where I am now but I'm learning that this isn't the end. I know this could come across as an ugly mess but this is the mess that I know God 's willing to break through. It's a mess that's actually good. I know for some they would think how is this good. However, I have to say as mentioned before this is such a freedom.

 So, as I've began to let go I have started realizing that in order to radiate the beauty God's put there that I'm going to have to be willing to be pruned. By no means have I enjoyed it but underneath it's been a beginning of healing. And as I sat here just today thinking over everything I've experienced this is the picture God gave me of  how He sees me. It's just one piece but for me this is huge because it had seem like I was always repeating myself but all God was ever wanting was me. I still don't know why but as I look at this one last picture I pray I will be reminded of the grace freely gives me even in my daily relationships.

 Yes, there are some thorns aside the road but I know the more I let Jesus climb to the top; then the more I realize how true His love really is! I've needed to hear this one because I had been letting myself hear I'm a burden even with people who really loved me. I don't really know how long this one will take but what I have learned is it's so important to let your heart be where it is! Don't force the healing! Let, the Lord get in! He'll take it from there!  Yes, & Amen!

Come Out of that Rock Sister

 Being a female in the real world can be one of the toughest battle grounds. There are even some mornings that  we wake up  maybe were just mad at the world, feel like a little girl or simple unsure of what our 20 billionth emotin is. This was my thought this morning, especially as I thought about what would happen if the female mind was just laid out like a road map. For some of us our heart beats would just scatter about because we wouldn't dare want to allow any one on the reality of our thoughts. However, there has to be some encouragement that were normal. It's hard to always walk around putting on the whole Jesus face but some of us have become so good at it. We treat our bodies like robots thinking that there is no need to feel. Then we find the highest rock and hide them there as if God doesn't really know what's going on inside of us. Yet, God clearly tells us in Jeremiah 1:5 that He knew us before our birth! "Ha! Silly silly girl! 'At least thats what I hear but what I'm learning more in my prayer life is that relationship includes knowing one another and if I expect someone to know me I must be open! I know that sounds crazy because God is all knowing but also think about what good is a relationship if there's no conversation? Communication is so important ! Being able to know  and be open is key essential!  And for some of us we need that encouragement to take our prayers to God!
Prayer is a beautiful place! It's where our hearts can really unfold!Therefore, with that encouragement maybe today  you need to come out of your rock and just know your loved! March forward sisters!