Sponge Soaker

 This has been one of those weeks that I have felt like the sponge soaker. I caught myself in the shoes of some of my campers that I had a while back at Laurel Lake Baptist Camp. However, before I go on let me tell you my definition of a , " Sponge Soaker", all they want to do is absorb from every area but they forget from the One they should be absorbing from. I tend to get myself there  a lot. And I'm pretty sure I've asked every question under the sun. At least this the emotions I've carried as I went from friend to friend to moments of just wrestling with God!
Especially last night! I was so tired and really just frustrated in my attitude because I knew it wasn't of Christ but also being upset just because something wasn't going my way or seem to go my way. I have recently found it most challenging to be just really be still when it comes down to it. Sometimes I think if people knew what was screaming on the inside they would step away. I promise you I am most human as possible! It always puts me in aww... God would give me soo much grace! And even though I know it's there I tend to put myself in a pile thinking I must earn something.
However, God  has paid it. I mean what could I earn? I really don't think I could because I promise you I'm a messy girl! I tend to hold onto things that people have no clue about. I even get angry on the inside.  I know to some they may think its a shock or they may they it's naturally human but  whatever the idea is that's where I have found myself this week because I decided I could do things on my own!
Such stubbornness!  However, I know the truth and some how I loop myself in lies. I think the hardest part of my week has just been feeling tired and wondering if any one saw me.  I really don't fully understand this one myself because honestly I have asked several times this week; how long will it take for me to stop believing these lies!  The truth is I'm free but  keep dipping my hands in my own mess! I don't know if you have been there but this has been one those weeks where I have wanted to sling off the muck that has gathered around me! I guess you could say this is where my impatience has came in!  However, for some reason the Lord hasn't given up on me! I don't know why because if it was me I  would but  I know I'm slowly learn that  He's not going any where; even if it's a another cycle to walk through! I think He's shown me that one alot also with my beautiful spiritual mother Magan this week!
I keep thinking how tired she must be but it must be God who keeps calling her to do that! And come to think of it maybe that's how it is with me on some of my relationships on campus where the role is reversed!  Well... whatever the lesson is now I'm learning I'm not my own! Along them that it's often His spirit were seeing when God send people are way because He never leaves! ( I think that's a note I must jot down =) )
And whatever, this means I know that  God is working on my story to just teach me but also maybe encourage those who are like me ! May God bless you and thank you for allowing me to just be real!