This season in my life has been a test of who is in Control of my life. The more I sit in my fear I scramble for control. And it is in this season it has been more of a test for me, especially being a college graduate. Especially as I sit at home because it is a different environment. In college it seem like there was always a plan or you at least had some idea what your agenda was for the day but being out of college feels the exact opposite. It seems to me even more challenging then high school because it now seems like this is where the real practice of being an adult is.
It has also been a test of discovery because it seem like there was so much to occupy my mind in college but now that I'm home waiting for a job, there is more time to think. Sometimes my thinking scares me and so it's why songs like " Take My Hand " by Lindsay McCaul are dear to me in this season. And it has also been a time where I've come to realize how much I live in my fear and so then I tend to pursue control as mentioned.
And I believe the scary part for me also because there is so much time to think that it makes me more aware of my emotions where as if your any thing like me you may tend to run from them. This for me is still a slow balance but today especially I've realize I tend to live here more often then I claim. I tend even let fear control my mind in these areas:
- What if I make the wrong move?
- What if I'm judged for the mess inside my heart?
- Am I really not a burden?
Perhaps you can identify. And here is the truth I'm slowly coming to that when I try to control I only make a bigger mess instead of letting my life flow naturally. I'm still growing in this area and I still feel shame at times but it is in my writing that I hope the lessons I'm learning will help someone else know they are not alone because that's another one of my identification I still have a lot to work on this area but maybe just listening to the song I mentioned can encourage you too.
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